the ghost

always, an expectant tilt
of the head, as the bus
trundles to a stop,

and my eyes seek
you, sifting frantically through
the immaterial throng

for the comforting warmth,
like a well-worn blanket,
of your presence.

when you are not
there, still your spirit
haunts me; you are

the ghost in my machine,
traversing the crevasses
of my soul, my mind.

always. you will stay
immortal, an unvanishing
apparition in my memory.

To my madness

what shines with glaring clarity is
the truth, how i exist

only in your periphery -
a shadow; a wraith -

skirting the edges
of your consciousness,

if even that at all.

yet, you, eclipse all
else in me.

no thought within, no beat
of my heart, reflects not

your winsome rays;i
am encased in your amber glow.

but you do not know

the truth will set
in tranquil depths,

beyond the horizon
of your gaze and grasp,

and then fade
with the dying light

into dusk and gloom.

if I could

if I could write to you
of my love, this would I say:

that you are the best of us,
that your heart shines through –

more pure than purest gold,
more beautiful than the sunrise,
more precious than finest spun silk

You are his wonderful creation,
a creature beyond imagination.

You rule my thoughts
and fire my senses;
and my soul thrills

at the sight of you in the morning,
at the tremulous note of your voice,
in the silence that descends upon us.

You capture me
and I am yours.

all at sea

it seems there exists some uneasy
truce, a fragile pact,
which quickly wanes as
the passing shadows of cloud
blacken and shroud
your glorious light,  which,
for now, cuts right through
the heavy darkness,
illuminating a path through the
tumultuous surface, below which
churns the fury of unfathomable currents.

i fear your passing.
what will i do for light?
who will be my hope?
the violent beauty of the night
engulfs me, as I sit
crouched and wakeful.

do not go

do not go.

one day

one day

i will see you

hands locked in

another’s; and i will

weep.

i will imagine:

your words leaping off

your lips,

to his;

your smiles,

golden and coy,

meant only for him;

your heart,

tremulous and pure,

intertwined with his;

you,

utterly his.

Utterly not.

one day. today.

i will weep.

My Cedar Lit Up!

Thank you, O gracious Father, Lord of all heaven and earth, for the lack of rain in the evening.

Thank you for Esther, Audra, Rachael, Melinda, Laura, Candy, Jasmine and Monica.

Thank you for 4M (you are all so, so amazing! i feel so incredibly blessed! you came and you dressed up!).

Thank you for the Confinement cast and for showing me that their hearts are so into ELDDS.

Thank you for the Kampung Cedar cast (you all display such potential, talent and an actor’s attitude; never let it go to waste!

Thank you for 3N and their amazing rendition of A Midsummer Night’s Dream (the chorus was superb. the costumes and makeup was top-notch. And the audience really enjoyed your performance! theatrical nirvana!)

Thank you for the sheer presence of Joanne and Josiah.

Thank you for working in and through me and in spite of my manifold and manifest weaknesses. Always, always, O Lord, reveal your strength in my abject helplessness. Always reveal your glory though my wretched fallen-ness, Abba.

Thank you, Father.

a ton of sighs

my heart weighed an eternity’s ton today,
so i lifted my eyes to the sky -
in search of your heart, to seek
its comforting beat, if only to lull
my broken, broken heart to sleep.

but i saw an invisible strand,
buffeted by a chary breath, which caught,
only just, the hesitant rays of dawn,
then the sighs fled and filled me once again:
this singular skein bound us.

you are the sole escape,
the infinite refuge of my restlessness,
thus i plunge, i leap
into the still, silent deep, into
the cresting, crashing welcome – of home.

black/grey/white

we wade in the grey
sometimes falling flat, face
hurtling deep in dismay,
but we’re fine with that.

anything’s better than the black.
anything but the sinking
sand; the noose round neck,
wrists wrung, and silent screaming.

anything but. thank you for the red
which broke through to grey and,
will to white. now no longer dead,
we will rise to the endless, in the end.

branded with the foolish cross,
o people of the grey, come to fight!
come join the fray! we suffer no loss
in seeking the white, o glorious light!

My Thanks

Father, thank You for 4M’s response during SEL.

Thank You for their earnest, sweet and gentle hearts.

Thank You for sustaining me through another Monday.

Thank You showing me each day in different ways how precious a gift Josiah truly is.

Thank You for Your word. Your word is truth.

My Thanks

Thank You, Father, for the enthusiasm of 4Madness.

Thank You for the fun-ness of 4I.

Thank You for the self-sacrificial love of Joanne.

Thank You for the purity of Josiah’s smiles.

Thank You for old friends.

Thank You for lifting me out of the Slough of Despond.